Let’s face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn’t a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
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(via -sorry)
I clicked through multiple reblogs to what I thought was the original source and did not see one reference to Richard Lederer, the author. It made me sad.
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I write to live life twice.
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LaToya Jordan (via lesmotsjustes)
Anais Nin actually: we write to live life twice, in the moment, and in retrospection.
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The Case for Civilized Behaviour in a Barbarous World
I’m reading Why Manners Matter by Lucinda Holdforth and she offers this modern, simple template for manners:
1. Keep to the left (or right, depending on jurisdiction).
2. Keep your word, especially about time.
3. Wait your turn.
4. Look after the weak.
5. Obey the laws and regulations, unless you are mounting a campaign of civil disobedience.
6. Watch what you are doing: multitasking is the enemy of manners.
7. Show appreciation for the kind gestures of others; and
8. Most of the time, shut up.
I think she’s on to something. Check out the book, it’s an interesting commentary.
Write without pay until somebody offers to pay.”
It takes on a slightly different meaning if you read the rest:
“Write without pay until somebody offers to pay you. If nobody offers within three years, sawing wood is what you were intended for.
where in the world is Pierre Morissette?
letter to petey wherever you are:
i miss you from my bones out. sixteen years have passed since i left you and twice i’ve seen you since, but not for real, not in my head. i don’t remember talking to you either time.
the 2nd time you were with the girl with the bird and you were transparent like a faded version of my youth. after that you disappeared.
you slipped up once; still listed in the phone book when i was organizing a reunion brunch but you had just had a baby and couldn’t join us.
please tell me where you are so i can come and talk to you.
carnal knowledge
Adults are more likely to tell a lie in bed than anywhere else.
When they reach puberty, boys on the Cook island of Mangaia are introduced to the finer techniques of breast stimulation, cunnilingus, and delayed ejaculation to ensure maximum pleasure for their future partner.
Jazz fans, gun owners, and those who lack confidence in the president are among the most sexually active Americans.
In the Grimms’ original “Sleeping Beauty” story, the prince rapes Beauty while she sleeps and then leaves before she wakes up.
According to Penthouse, more women than men complain about infrequent sex.
The Aweikoma of southeasternBbrazil use the same term for both eating and intercourse.
Western kissing as it’s most commonly practiced is not a universal phenomenon. The Tinquian people of the pacific islands do not kiss, but place their lips close to their partner’s lips and rapidly inhale.
the other day i was having lunch with my daughter and i ended up telling her about how i was saving up some money to get her laser hair removal so she wouldn’t have to mess with shaving when she got older. she got her pout on and wanted to know why i was going to deprive her of the experience of shaving. i mean, she was PISSED. which got me thinking about 2 things:
1. i need to find me some mommy friends so that i can stop discussing the intricacies of hair removal and projecting my own shaving issues onto a 5 year old, and
2. how the hell does a 5 year old come up with ‘deprive me of the experience of shaving’ and exactly how much trouble am i in for the next 13 years or so?
with a poor prognosis
one time when i still worked at PJ, they did some work for deepak chopra and part of their payment was a bunch of tickets for his show here in vancouver. they were having trouble getting rid of the tickets ‘cause no one wanted to see deepak and so i took a few and got some people and we went.
he talked about the biology of thinking with your gut, gut instinct if you will, and the similarities between the cells in your stomach and the cells in your brain. i liked that part.
at one point he said that life is an incurable sexually transmitted disease of epidemic proportions.
i liked that part, too.
the rest of it was pure drivel. it totally turned me off. but occasionally i like to remember the good bits ‘cause they still make me smile.
girlsecrets
we make ourselves soft for you. we keep ourselves still. we stare at your mouth when you speak and imagine silencing you with our fingers or tongues. we convince ourselves that you don’t catch us staring at your hands resting on the table or the nape of your neck when you turn away. we force ourselves not to touch you, not to press up against you on street corners and in bookstores, to sit across from you and not beside you in restaurants and bars. we remind ourselves that attraction is not necessarily compatibility, and that time cannot actually be willed to stand still. we look forward to learning you, to bringing you in, to watching you sleep.
we’re stronger than we let on.
we fall for you over the smallest most insignificant things you can possibly imagine.
we’re not all that afraid of anything.
we chase butterflies.
we’ll defend to the death.
we crave movie love, crazy love, shove me up against a wall when you kiss me love, weak-kneed gasping for breath pornographic love.
we’re fierce.
